When Should I give Up?
Question: "I stayed at my mothers last night. You have no idea the extent of his abuse. Recently, I was taken to the hospital were I was in physical therapy 3 days aweek for over a month to walk correctly and alleviate the pain. I had a whole in my eardrum from one of the punches to my head. My daughter called 911 and stopped the beating This has been a constant pattern. He has been arrested many times only once did I have him convicted, for the above mentioned beating because it was so bad. He also mentally tortured me to the point of constant screaming at me …tears and begging on my knees for two months after that, he served 3 days in jail for that…thats all. I forgave him on his promise to change. Then, he punched me in the head because I asked him to drive. I had a black eye, he was arrested. I testified it was false and he was found innocent. He has 3 more pending cases for charges I won’t go into here.
Yesterday I was calmly and I do mean that calmly expressing my need for him to be more loving and he exploded. He grabbed me, I screamed he would not let me leave the house I tried to struggle he held my mouth shut to the point of swelling and blood, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this I hate my life I am so unhappy, He is very cruel mentally to me, but, I try to make him happy, cause no waves, swallow my feelings and the hurt but I just can’t anymore…what should I do?" Fearing for my life…
Answer: Dear Friend, you must leave. You must get support and counseling. You need to get another order of protection. Don’t go back or look back. Get on with your life. Your goal is to protect yourself and to let God protect you and care for you. You need the church and a support group. He is a batterer. He has assaulted and almost killed you! This is criminal behavior! call the National Domestic Violence Agency at : 1-800-799-7233 and get another Order For Protection (OFP). If you live outside the USA see the International Domestic Violence Agency listings. Read the next Q and A. Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: I’ve been happily married for over 10 years, until recently when I was physically abused by my spouse. I’ve "rationalized" the beating because, he thought I knew all I know now. His "advertising" himself online, his affair with another woman, his "bondage" and "pornography".We are attending marriage counseling, but, he continues to have strange "changes". Like, lying, because he is still seeing this woman, changing his address to her home, even stopping the direct deposit to our joint checking account. I am trying so hard to bring this marriage back, but, he’s distant, and doesn’t really care. He was on "house arrest" at my daughter’s home, and because of his "time" they set up for him, (2am ’til 9pm) gave him much opportunity to see this other woman. Since then, he has moved to his nephew’s, and I have no idea what he’s doing, and I know, should care. His nephew won’t even call to let me know how he is, and whether he even tried to talk to my husband about all this. How can I "figure" this out, and make our marriage work?? Broken hearted
Answer: Dear Friend, Do you really want to reconcile with a man who has abused you, betrayed you and now abandoned you? What kind of relationship is this? What kind of man is he? Don’t you deserve better? Don’t you deserve to have someone in your life who protects and respects you, honors you, unconditionally loves you and is committed to you?
It truly sounds like you are chasing after and hanging onto someone with whom you will never be able to trust because of his dishonesty, betrayal and abuse and who is not willing to change for the better. Why not let him go? Isn’t this the best situation for you? Why not start a fresh life? You can file for a divorce — you have biblical and legal grounds for this. It takes two people to "make a marriage work". If he isn’t responsible on his end to make the radical changes he needs to and to make your marriage healthy — then, why pursue him?
I believe his behavior is further demonstation of how severe his issues are. He is a batterer. He has assaulted you! This is dangerous! This is criminal behavior! He is an adulterer and has left you. That’s not a pretty picture. Why not let God bring you healing, help and hope right now? You will have to grieve. You will have to stabilize and get on your feet. But, you can do it and should do it. Take care of yourself and move forward. Get involved in a Divorce Care group and a support group for women who have been abused. Read about faith, domestic violence, anger, divorce, assertiveness. Please take heed.
God doesn’t want your life to be threatened. God wants you to have a husband who is committed to his vows and treats you with respect, dignity and love. God bless you! Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC Hoyweb.com , CounselCare Connection Take this online Am I in an Abusive Relationship? .
Response from writer: I guess I’m frightened, I’m 50!! And to start over again is so SCARY! But, I’ll look into these support groups. Thank you, P.