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Irrational Contemptright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question: I have a small group somewhat elitist of friends that it took me just under a year to wriggle into the ranks of. The main core consists of maybe 4 or 5 guys, and maybe me, but i am a girl.
Any other girls in the group are only there because they date one of the guys except for myself. Anyway, somedays these are the only people i can stand or have any respect for. i have a huge goup of school friends which i direct huge amounts of hate towards on some days, yesterday for instance, i told them i despised them all and proceeded to draw a picture of myself dancing on their graves, and it was totally unprovoked. I just have this irrational contempt for them. What can I do to change? Signed: Anon

Answer:
Dear Friend, Where is all this hatred coming from? Could it be that you really hate and disrespect yourself? Maybe deep wounds from the past have resulted in hatred towards others? Maybe you suffer from low self-esteem? Jealousy? Fear? Competition? You say there is no provocation for this deep hatred - a hatred which causes you to wish them dead. Thus, this anger and hatred must be coming from your thought life, your anger towards yourself and hatred towards someone who abused you in the past.

You have been abused: I suspect that you have been greatly mistreated and abused. That the wounds and abuse have caused you to believe that you are worthless, helpless and even contemptible. Thus, you criticize yourself thinking you will never measure up or never gain approval from others. This criticism and contempt towards yourself and towards the person who abused you - are then, directed towards others.

You ask, what can I do to change?
Start with exploring these issues in counseling. A professional can help you pin-point where the anger and hatred are coming from. You need to grieve, confront and deal with the core issue and person(s) in order to begin the healing process.
The next step is to begin building your self-worth. Do you believe you are a person of value with talents and opinions and needs that should be respected and considered by others? Once you grow in self-esteem you will begin to appreciate others - seeing them as having significance and worth.
If you don't dig into the core issues causing your anger and hatred ... you will act out the violent thoughts you are having.

Skills can help: Anger management can help you discover new skills for coping with situations but, these vengeful thoughts will lead to harming someone else. We teach how to change cognitive distortions in our book: What's Good About Anger? But, your issues are even deeper and will eventually cause you to lash out at someone - harming them and getting you in trouble with the law. Please get help. See the directory of counselors at: American Association of Christian Counselors

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist and Diplomate with the Amer. Assoc. of Anger Management Providers. She is the co-author of What's Good About Anger?and a speaker for community, women's and church organizations