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Stop
the Victim Syndrome! or How to Deal with an Abusive
Relationship part one © 2001 Lynette J. Hoy,
NCC, LCPC
1.
First take the initial Am I in
an Abusive Relationship Inventory?
There
are many different steps one has to take to when in
an abusive relationship.
2.
If the relationship is life-threatening, you must get
help and protect yourself and any children from harm.
Don't
keep telling yourself, things will change. After all,
that is just what many battered women have regretfully
told themselves and are now dead or suffering the consequences
of serious injury.
You
can contact the local police department or the local
domestic violence agency in your community. In many
states in the USA the number for the police is 911.
National Domestic
Violence hotline 1-800-799-7233
(safe)
International
Domestic Violence Agency listings.
Sarah's
Inn (Oak Park, Illinois) 1-708-386-4225
(24 hour hotline)
Illinois
Coalition Against Domestic Violence
resources:
Illinois state Crisis line: 1-800-252-6561
3.
After taking the inventory, write out the top five behavior
problems your spouse or significant other is demonstrating
towards you.
Ask
yourself: are any of these behaviors life-threatening?
Are
there any verbal threats or physical behaviors which
threaten my physical well-being?
If
you have answered yes, then, please call the National
Domestic Violence hotline above or your local police
department now.
If
you are not suffering any violence or threats of physical
violence then, continue on in the course at this time.
There
are several aspects to the Stop the Victim Syndrome!
Course:
1.
evaluating the situation/abuse,
2.
discovering the biblical perspective on your relationship,
3.
your response and behavior in your relationships,
4.
improving your support,
5.
meeting your personal needs: emotionally and physically,
and spiritually
6.
taking personal steps to change.
The
Problem:
You
are taking this course because you are feeling distress,
anxiety, possibly some depression and confusion about
this disappointing relationship. Anyone in an abusive
relationship will experience some of these symptoms
and feelings.
You
may be asking "How did I get myself into a relationship
like this?" That is what most people ask who are experiencing
some form of abuse.
You
probably blame yourself and feel helpless most of the
time. It is important to let yourself feel these emotions
and express them to someone you can trust: a pastor,
counselor or confidante. It is also important that you
work through these emotions and get to a better place
in your life.
How
did this problem/pattern start?
You
may come from a family with a history of abusive relationships.
Maybe one of your parents modeled the victim role to
you. Or maybe you were abused verbally, physically or
sexually as a child and you learned that you couldn't
fight back. You learned that the abuse would not stop
unless you retreated and kept silent. Somehow, you learned
the victim role and have continued to stay passive.
This
has affected your self-esteem and relationships and
it probably has affected your faith. You may find you
can't trust God or people. You can't even trust yourself.
Your
perspective on life may be: "I can't make things happen";
"I can't change my situation or relationships"; and
"I have no power".
What
the Bible says about the victim syndrome:
David
writes in Psalm 10:12-15 a prayer about perpetrators
and victims:
"Arise,
LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless.
Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say
to himself, "He won't call me to account"? But you,
O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to
take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm
of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for
his wickedness that would not be found out". NIV
"I
hate a man covering himself with violence as well as
with his garment." Malachi 2:16
Paul writes in 2 Tim 1:7 about the Spirit of Power He
gives to His people:
"For
God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit
of power, of love and of self-discipline." NIV
These
following conclusions and truths can be drawn from these
few verses:
1.
You can ask God for help.
2.
God will be your advocate and helper..... He cares.
He hates violence. He will punish the evil-doer.
3.
You can commit yourself to God.
4.
When you become/became a Christian, His Spirit indwelt
you and His Spirit is powerful, etc.
5.
The perpetrator will be called into account by God.
6.
God does want you to act like a victim and live in fear.
Read about How
to Know God Personally. Read more advice at Ask
the Counselor.
Please
reflect on these application questions:
How
have you been acting passively or like a victim in the
relationship which is troubling you? Look back on the
Am I in an Abusive Relationship
Inventory?
Make a Domestic
Violence: Safety Plan
If you need help now
call 911 for police protection in most states in the
USA. Protect Yourself and Your Child. Get
counseling and advocacy by contacting a domestic violence
agency near you. If you live in the USA call the National
Domestic Violence hotline at : 1-800-799-7233
. If you live outside the USA see the International
Domestic Violence Agency listings.
File for an Order
For Protection (OFP) which is a court order that
will help to protect you from domestic abuse. An Order
For Protection tells the abuser to stop harming or threatening
you.
The law protects children in this country from physical,
emotional/mental, sexual abuse and neglect. Look up
resources for children at ChildHelpUSA
or call them at: 1-800-4A-Child. Check out the ChildAbuse.org
site as well. Read the article on the relationship
between domesticviolence and child abuse.
Contact
Sarah's
Inn if you live in Oak Park, Illinois at 1-708-386-4225
(24 hour hotline)
Illinois Coalition
Against Domestic Violence resources: Illinois state
Crisis line: 1-800-252-6561
Get support. The domestic violence agency
may have a support group you can participate in. A group
like this can give you perspective on your situation,
hope for the future and help you learn skills to protect
yourself.
Order the whole Stop
the Victim Syndrome! course. Read the
Domestic Violence,
and Assert Yourself!
articles next.
Visit this site:
For professional counseling contact: CounselCare Connection
Do you want more control over your anger? Here are 3 ways
to order the book or courses:
1. Anger
Management Certificate Programs: This program
includes the online course or book, recommendations,
test, certificate. This
distance-learning
anger management course is presented by Lynette Hoy,
a National Certified Counselor, anger management specialist,
marriage and family counselor licensed in the state of
Illinois. Certificate is granted when the test is completed.
Lynette
J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC and mail to: CounselCare Connection,
1100
Lake Street, Suite 245, Oak Park, IL 60301.
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