FAQ
Husband
wants out of jail
Question
#2:
Husband wants out of jail: An Example of Extreme
Battering:
©
copyright 2003 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
“Two nights ago I went to bed after an argument with my husband
who had been drinking. I was suddenly awakened by him as he
began beating me in the head and choking me. This happened
7 years ago as well. He is now in jail and I am looking for
a Christian anger management course to help him so we can
get back together. I love him. We do everything together.
I'm not going to give up on him. We have financial responsibilities
so he will need to return home. What do you recommend.".
A:
Dear Friend, This is an extreme case of battery and assault.
Yes, the drinking played a large part in this assault, but,
that does not excuse his behavior or minimize it in anyway.
Your husband is extremely dangerous and you could be dead
now - not speaking to me as you are. Your life is in danger
and you should not give him another chance. You need to protect
yourself. And you need counseling to explore why you are in
denial about the extent of his problem and your risk. You
need to find out what issues you are struggling with that
keep you tied to a man who has almost killed you twice --
issues such as codependency, low self-esteem, the victim syndrome,
lack of assertiveness and cognitvie distortions such as "I
will never get anyone else", "I don't deserve anyone
else", "he's not that dangerous". You almost
lost your life! How can you give him another chance? You have
suffered both physical and emotional trauma at the hands of
a very, violent man.
This is a criminal act:
Your husband has been assaulting you. This is a clear case
of endangerment. You need to file charges against him and
get an order of protection for yourself. He has broken the
laws of society and God’s laws as well.
What causes domestic violence/abuse? When people cannot
deal with stress, unmet goals, frustration, conflict and anger,
when they are under the influence of alcohol and drugs, when
they want to be in control - they strike out forcefully to
vent their anger and frustration towards and to gain control
over the person with whom they are angry.
Many can be helped by learning how to
manage anger but, your husband should probably stay in
jail in order to protect society and you from further harm.
He also needs a domestic violence anger management program,
to stop drinking and attend AA meetings, individual counseling
for anger management and a supernatural
change in his life. I offer anger
management courses for people struggling with lower levels
of anger.
John Gottman and Neil Jacobsen in their book on Battering
Husbands say that there are two types of batterers: Cobras
and Pitbulls. Cobras are more severely violent and tend to
become still and focused before striking the victim. Your
husband fits the Cobra style. Take heed! Read about battering.
What cycle occurs? Spouses (a
great percentage are men) who control and manipulate through
violence are drawn to spouses (usually women) who are passive.
Women learn a helpless sort of syndrome becoming victimized-
staying in these threatening relationships - fearing financial
loss, divorce and possible repercussions from angry husbands
if they leave.
Look at the Wheel of Violence here. Power and Control are
at the center. This is not a healthy relationship where there
is respect, love, equality, safety and trust. This is a relationship
where one partner (usually male) intimidates, isolates, abuses,
threatens, manipulates, etc., the other partner
What can you do now?
1. Protect Yourself . Get counseling
and advocacy by contacting a domestic violence agency near
you. If you live in the USA call the National
Domestic Violence Agency at : 1-800-799-7233 . If you
live outside the USA see the International
Domestic Violence Agency listings.
This man should no longer be allowed to see you or any children.
Hopefully, you have filed an order of protection against your
husband in the court. An Order
For Protection (OFP) is a court order that will help to
protect you from domestic abuse. An Order For Protection tells
the abuser to stop harming or threatening you.
Your husband needs to be held accountable for this battering
incident by the courts and you should press charges against
him. If any children have been harmed -- the law protects
children in this country from physical, emotional/mental,
sexual abuse and neglect. Look up
resources for children at ChildHelpUSA
or call them at: 1-800-4A-Child. Check out the ChildAbuse.org
site as well. Read the article on the relationship
between domestic
violence
and child abuse.
2. Take care of yourself by stabilizing in a safe environment.
If you allow your husband to return -- your life will be in
danger again. How can you fall asleep at night? Do all that
you can to live in a safe residence so, you can begin to experience
peace in your life vs. fear.
3. Move forward with your life. God does not want you
harmed. You need faith. You need spiritual strength
and focus. You need to know that the God of the universe
cares about you and your situation. Read about How
to Know God Personally. Order a book to help your faith
grow such as: An
Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future
by Ray Pritchard.
4. Grow personally by learning assertiveness skills and
how to set boundaries in relationships. Order the online
course Stop
the Victim Syndrome; and Codependent
No More by Melody Beattie and Asserting
Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower.
5. Get support. The domestic violence agency may have
a support group you can participate in. A group like this
can give you perspective on your situation, hope for the future
and help you learn skills to protect yourself. Help you learn
that you deserve to be treated with dignity and to be protected
by your spouse vs. be threatened by him.
6. Regarding remarriage: I encourage you to order the
DivorceCare tapes:
1-800-489-7778 or 1-919-562-2112. The audiotapes are only
$15.00. You can also locate a DivorceCare
support group near you by searching their site.
If you
need a counselor, call Rapha's hotline for a referral in the
USA at 1-800-383-HOPE or Focus
on the Family in Canada.
God bless you!
Read theHow do I stop abusing my wife
and Assert
Yourself! articles next.
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
~ Lynette
J. Hoy, is a marriage and family counselor, speaker, writer
and the Chicagoland
Chair of Community and Business Women for Christ. Her newly
released book, What's Good About Anger? can be ordered online
at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs.
Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com , www.counselcareconnection.org
, www.cbwc.net , www.lifecareweb.com.
Read
the How
do I stop abusing my wife and Assert
Yourself! articles next. Take this online
survey to measure your anger:
.
Purchase the book What's
Good About Anger? or consider ordering
one of the anger management course & certificates
below to help you learn coping skills to manage your anger
and change your self-talk. Order new
Home Study Anger Management course and certificate: this
comes with a new workbook and more practical skills and insights!
Read more about the book and authors here: What's
Good About Anger
Here are ways to order the book or courses:
1. Anger
Management Certificate Programs: These
programs include the online course or book and workbook, recommendations, test,
certificate. This distance-learning anger management course is presented
by Lynette Hoy, a National Certified Counselor, anger management specialist,
marriage and family counselor licensed in the state of Illinois. Certificate
is granted when the test is completed.
This
online course and book will help you discover the process
of anger, when it is harmful and helpful and how to direct
your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and
forgiveness.
2. Order
the What's Good About Anger? level two- level five (6-32 week
programs)
This course will
help you discover the process of anger, when it is harmful and helpful and
how to direct your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness.
3. Order
the What's
Good About Anger? anger management courses,
book and certificates by phone: Call Lynette Hoy at
708-524-3333 and pay by credit card.
And
read some other books for self-esteem and growing in your
faith which you can order through Amazon.com.
The
Search for Significance
(workbook included) by Robert McGee
The
God You Can Trust: Strength for the Times When it's Hard to
Believe by Ray Pritchard
An
Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future
by Ray Pritchard
FAQ:
Frequently Asked Questions About the Christian Life
by Ray Pritchard
© copyright 2003 by Lynette
J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
All Rights reserved. No
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